The Mailbag (II)

Another installment of eccentric inquiries and delusional answers. As usual, a printer may come in handy.

After all the time we spent under the bushes and on the green fields of the University of Jordan, I always thought he was the one for me. But since we graduated, I am talking to (apparently) smarter guys. I am not sure about Rizigg anymore. What should I do?
Mairvatt, Zarqa, Jordan

For the sake of his mental health and everyone’s safety I highly recommend giving Rizigg another chance. Do not be fooled by those in your post-graduation environment who try to sound articulate, and who would never shy away from pitching in their two cents on any issue with a false sense of certainty. Remember in Jordan we are blessed (!) with a whole population of experts on any and every subject. Despite the slicked back oily hair, the brownish-yellow and few missing teeth, despite the mildly-offensive sweat/cheap-cologne combination, the purple “silky” shirt tucked inside the high waist tight jeans and the Texas boots, Rizigg remains a much better option than some of the posers. Remember the “milk bar” and the “plaza” days and stay behind him, and with a few hours of browsing the net and watching TV, he will be able to “outsmart” the best of them.

Do you think autoerotic asphyxiation (as performed in a closed room with sobbet 3ala2 id-deen* as opposed to a belt) poses a significant threat to Jordanian way of life?
Jameed, Utah

I always thought that this technique ishands down the most suitable and enjoyable way to commit suicide (talking about leaving with a grin (or a smile) on your face), but of course using the belt or rope, not the CO fumes generated by the “*kerosene-powered fireplace”.

The answer to your question, (which by the way won the e-mail of the month award, you can proudly put that on your resume), that I do not believe it is a serious problem for the Jordanian society for the following reasons:
1. Usually the whole family is gathered around the kerosene-heater in the same room (usually the only room), which is going to impede any attempt of self-pleasuring, unless the subject in question waits for everyone to fall asleep. Under these critical conditions he is in no situation to be experimenting with pleasure-enhancing techniques, and he prefers to finish the mission as quickly as possible.

2. If we examine the “auto-asphyxiation” definition we have to notice the premeditation and planning factor involved. So if for example, we consider the case of the single guy who is trying to blow off some steam on a cold night and accidentally chokes to death on some CO fumes, he would not be a subject of interest here. (However, looking at his situation, maybe he did not lose much. Maybe those few seconds of “sudden extra-pleasure” he briefly experienced, were the best thing “coming” his way anyway).

3.Under the “in-advance planning” scenario, if our subject hermetically seals the room, turns on the Aladdin magic chauffage, sets up the mood (with a CD from downtown, a publication (Al Shabaka, Sheehan, Sears catalogue,…), his success will depend on very accurate timing calculations that guarantee a synchronization between the choking and the climax. This may need extensive work, and maybe some trial and error, which is not very popular in our society. Notice how the rope allows for complete control and instantaneous feedback on the process control.

4. Notice that the involvement of petroleum products in the process automatically makes it government-monitored and directly attached to the fluctuation of international oil prices. You may recall the popularity of Gas (butane-propane) heaters (Romo: Another product from Aladdin) a few years back, which limited the risks of choking. After the first hike in petroleum products’ prices, the return to the old and cost-efficient kerosene heater meant the return of higher choking risk. The government’s suggestion to protect its citizens from such a dire health hazard was another hike in prices to eliminate the citizen’s ability to afford even kerosene. The decision was based on studies by distinguished American educational institutions which proved that the chances of freezing to death are much slimmer than those of choking to death.
The rope/belt remains the more feasible approach.

What do you think about someone whose favorite part of the day is the few hours he spends sleeping?
Sue E. Cydal

Clinically Depressed ..?! Consider the above option.

What happened to the sports-related posts, I really used to enjoy them and I miss them.
Nobody.

The summer is intrinsically short on major sporting events (MLB and that’s it). I was planning a baseball post on the best, must-see pitchers and the joy of watching pitching in general, but unfortunately the level of pitching this year has been very disappointing. For some reason (i.e. steroids and amphetamines ban) no starting pitcher was consistently on top of his game. The bullpens have been brutal all around from mop-ups to closers. The strikeouts (the most exciting re-occurring play in baseball) are way down (Notice that from 1997-2002 (a.k.a the heart of the steroid era, which we are now sure that pitchers were part of), the league’s leader in K’s topped 300 every year. 115 games into this season no player has topped 180 and only two topped 160 after more than two thirds of the season). Some players showed flashes of brilliance, but it is going to be really hard to pick a Cy Young winner this year in either league, unless a player makes a significant late contribution to his team in winning the pennant. A lot of old players are running on fumes, and the exciting younger ones are inconsistent and regularly miss games The short list of pitchers who were worth watching this year are: Brandon Webb (ARI) early in the year, Francisco Liriano (MIN) for around 5 out of his 15 starts, Carlos Zambrano (CHC) even though he struggles with his comman, Gregg Maddux (LAD) for his first 5 starts and latest 2 with his new team, and Roy Halladay (TOR) who kept improving as the season went on. An honorable mention goes to those who are consistently good even if not always spectacular: (Smoltz (ATL), Oswalt (HOU), Mussina (NYY), Santana (MIN)). Impressive young pitchers include Verlander (DET), Hamles (PHI), Weaver (LAA). In the bullpen impressive players include Zumaya (DET), Jenks (CWS), Papelbon (BOS), M.Gonzalez (PIT) the only closer without a blown save, and of course Rivera (NYY) and F. Rodriguez (LAA)).

I am waiting for the NFL's final 65-man rosters to come out after the Aug 29^th cuts (53-man rosters on Sep 2^nd ) for a brief preview post, and hopefully a couple of posts on the Basketball World Championship (Japan Aug 19^th –Sep 2^nd ) if it is worth it. (USA has a team of nice NBA-ers, and supposed to be playing for the lost pride. Lebanon (heyy) and Qatar (boo) represent the Arab hopes.
Speaking of sports…

What do you think about the status of women athletics, and who are your favorite international and local female athletes?
Hanadi, Jordan

Consider that the “AP female athlete of the year” title for the past three years went to a Swedish golfer (Sorenstam) who is overshadowed by a teenage below-average fellow golfer who never one anything (Wie). So for an athletic young lady seeking a hero and a role model, one is supposed to find her motivation in the pseudo-sport world of golf! You also have the over-exposed flavor of the month hot tennis player (the Anna Kournikova Syndrome), and even though you can make an argument for Sharapova since she has a Wimbledon title under her belt, the media frenzy around her far exceeds her on-court accomplishments. Women’s athletics gets modest attention and funding, and is usually centered on scantily-clad players (i.e. beach volleyball and the Lingerie Bowl), but that does not explain the recent absence of a dominant female figure.

My favorite athlete in a while is Chinese figure skater Zhang, whose performance in the Torino 2006 Winter Olympics was the most courageous thing I have ever witnessed on live TV. Watching it again is eye-watering and flat out Incredible.

As for Jordanian female athletes let me sum it up this way: I had a friend in college who can perform the impossible task of running without tripping or flapping her arms, along with decent hand-eye coordination skills. She was on the national teams of: table tennis, badminton, volleyball, squash, handball and football. Although Jordan has not yet produced a Ghadah Shouaa (Syria) type of athlete, very big props to my favorite athletes whom I enjoyed watching and following throughout the years. Basketball players like feisty point guard Hala M7aisenn, collegiate forward Joumana Salti who played at BYU and Cornell, and the best Center in Jordan Yara Malbass (when she played for the U-18 national team, she had a few post moves that most big guys in Jordan can’t excute). Handball players Rana La77am (old school wing) and Fatin Bakheet (A multi talented athlete who holds some track and field Jordanian records). Nadia Rashad and Tatyanna Najjar (Arab table tennis champs and Olympic qualifiers). The Matari sisters (track and field), The Toffa7a sisters (table tennis), The Fareed sisters (handball) and all the ladies who represented the country in Arab and international events.
(By the way: They say never date an athlete, she is always going to choose practice over you).

Hizbollah destroyed Lebanon. The excoriating high price Lebanon paid. Lebanese infra structure. WAAA…WAAA…how can Hizbollah do this WAAAa. The number of innocent civilians WAAA…The destruction, the rubble, the displaced….WAAA..The tourism season…the investors…the cancelled concerts WAAAAAAAAA…WAA
I-gambled-against-honor-and-it-did-not-pay-off-and-I-need-a-new-tone, Arabia

I am completely aware that it was not my home that got demolished neither was it my brother who got killed, but please save us your crocodile tears. If you cared you could have used your pen, space and influence to help contain the war early, not legitimize and justify the shameful traitorous early acceptance and it was awarded.
If the returning inhabitants are looking at their demolished homes and saying: “The Southern suburbs never looked more beautiful”, what are you crying about!!! I guess we cannot grasp the value of pride since we were deprived from it early and continously. Are you crying about 2 billion dollars worth of concrete that Hizbollah promised to rebuild?! Do you know how many 2 billion dollars were spilled on the casinos’ tables, on private jets, and on Royal suites? Do you know how many 2 billion dollars were smuggled outside while inside there are acres of suburbs that look much worse than the bombed Southern Beirut, without ever fighting Israel? (and if you don’t believe me, just visit anywhere outside of West Amman!!)

Just as comical as the concern about “your national accomplishments”, the Lebanese Steel factories, the nuclear plants, the coal mines and the Tanks assembly lines are still intact. It was a few buildings and a few bridges that, as early as 1996, was still a pile of rubble and you did not even know about them. Do not worry, the night clubs, the stock exchange, the brothels and the Solidaire remain standing. You can resume the activities as soon as next week.They were not a target anyway, neither was the villas of those currently occupying 5 star hotels in Amman. The bombs along with your “compassionate stances” were designed to break the will of those who fueled the resistance. Both failed.

As for the human life, since when is this sudden concern?!! Is there any statistics counting how many people here are starving to death, or dying because they cannot afford basic medical care? What about death tolls due to reckless and intoxicated car accidents? I bet if we factor in the honor crimes, the annual death toll will exceed a 1000. I wish I get a chance to die by an Israeli bullet, before getting hit by a stray one from a nearby wedding. I wish I get a chance to be tortured in an Israeli prison before I get beaten up by the secret-service idiot who happens to be my next door neighbor.

ولك العالم بتبدا تفكر بالعيشة و الدار بس يصير في وطن بالاول

After years of toiling under Saddam and hoping for a better tomorrow, he gets replaced by an American occupation and a gang of its mercenaries!! Giving the current complete Arabs apathy to my situation, I am afraid that I may have to consider a Persian “occupational” role if it ever presents itself. At least they are Muslims!!
Omar Hussain Ali, Baghdad

I am afraid I may not be able to blame you.

So, whenever the number of the rich increases by one, isn’t there supposed to be a corresponding decrease in the number of poor by one?
Ghorebeh, Syria

According to the laws of the free market economics and the entrepreneurial investor-friendly environment, when the blood-sucking parasites increase by one, that is balanced out by thousands of decently-surviving citizens slipping into the barely-surviving stage. For every Swiss bank account and every degenerate gambling spree, thousands are eventually scrambling for the basic needs, as a direct effect. But on the bright side, the economy is booming.
And speaking of Ghorbeh, as long as the “homes” insist on spitting out the faithful children, who dreamt and are capable of improving the situation, in favor of royalties, parasites and merchants, a lot of people are destined to live in (ghorbeh: estrangement) inside and outside.

Is it possible for a human being to “succeed”, while avoiding any and every confrontation throughout a whole life-time?
A.S., Fantasy Ranch, TX

You can duck, dodge and ignore but you won’t be able to run away, even from your indifference. No one is going to fight your battles for you and it is a jungle out there, and the fact that I had to answer to a couple of legit questions above, does not mean that you can start showering me with stupid, semi-philosophical questions that require cheesy answers with direct projections. NO MORE QUESTIONS FOR YOU. (شي غاد).

For everyone else, Abu Shreek welcomes your irrelevant questions at (abushreek_jor@yahoo.com).
In the mean time he is on hiatus for a week, for multiple convincing reasons.