When the self-appointed leader of the free world puts on a 49-minute act for the entertainment of the masses: lies, terrorists, 62-applause breaks and high comedy. A play by play recount.
When his majesty George W. Bush took this same podium a year ago he was enjoying an 80+% approval rating. A year later and his stocks dropped faster than those of his Enron friends, hovering around 30% of the Americans support. On the bright side, he does not read the papers anyway.
-In the typical superficial American fashion President Bush opens by making it sound like it is a big deal that the speaker of the house is a female, neglecting the fact that this is not the sixties anymore where it it necessary to do back flips because women are allowed to vote, and neglecting the fact the countries like Germany, the United Kingdom, India and even African countries have had women as leading their nations. The whole thing is barely worth acknowledging really
-Just wondering if there is anyone in the world who can put on a better poker face than that of Dick Chaney! The rumor of the transplanted monkey heart could be true after all.
+A quick salute to the troops, and let’s get a few things out of the way:
-Jobs growth for 40+ straight weeks.
-Balancing the budget without raising taxes (two big standing ovations).
-There is something called “earmarks” that is being passed during the after hours when no one is watching (not even C-Span (his joke not mine)).
-Entitlements: Medicare, Medicaid and Social Security are all going to be gravy.
-No child left behind improved reading and math for kids especially minorities. (First shot of Laura Bush in a fire-red dress. Obviously Mrs. Bush is a big fan of education).
-American people have the right to afford going to the doctor. This should be done through private insurers. Tax deductions, federal funds for states which insure their residents, health saving accounts, and protecting doctors against lawsuits are the steps necessary to do that.
-Secure the borders and improve patrolling infrastructure. Establish visiting worker programs so that the “patrols can focus on catching drug smugglers, criminals and terrorists.” (Ladies and gentlemen, our first terrorist appearance. I wonder what took him too long to bring it up. A shot of a clean-shaven Michael Chertoff. (I guess Got to keep them terrorists confused with multiple looks)). “We have to maintain the melting pot identity” accompanied by a shot of Senator Barack Obama (which is a little unnecessary if you ask me)..
-We cannot remain dependent on foreign oil that subjects us to dealing with hostile regimes and terrorists (2). Technology: wind nuclear, clean coal, ethanol, wood dust, and cow feces is the way to go (ok, I made the last one up). A plan to reduce gas consumption by 20% over 10 years will reduce the
-Federal courts need more federal judges who should be appointed by the president and the congress (whatever. (Republicans only ovation)).
+Enough warming up the crowd let’s get down to business:
-“It has been five years since we woke up to the scenes of what the terrorists (3) can cause. That horror is just a glimpse of what the terrorists (4) plan unless we stop them).
-“The terrorists (5) life has never been the same since 9/11. (If you ask me, I would say it is much better: they are closer to a more active region (instead of being isolated in central Asia), they have easier access to resources and recruits, they captured the minds of young Arabs and Muslims by using the exact same language Bush uses).
-“Our success is measured by things that did not happen” (Ha? This sentence just sounds wrong).
-“Here is what we know:”
*“We stopped an AlQaeda plot to fly a hijacked plane into the highest building on the west coast”
*“We broke out a southeast Asian terrorist (6) cell (!) grooming operatives for attacks inside the united states”
*“We uncovered an AlQaeda cell developing Anthrax to be used in attack against
*“Last August (finally some dates!) British authorities uncovered a plot to blow up passengers planes bound for
*“Jordanian authorities stopped a cell of two people planning chemical attacks that was supposed to kill 80,000 people, using paint thinner and cooking oil” (Well this one was too over the top even for a liar like George Bush).
-“We owe that to our public servants” (Huge long ovation. (reads: We have to show our voters that we love the troops even though we just listened to a big load of crap).
-Summary of the next 8 minutes: terrorist (7), 9-11, terrorists (8), we are at war, enemy , 9/11, radical vision.
-“Listen to this threat from the late terrorist (9) Zarqawi : (We will sacrifice our blood and bodies to put an end to your dream)”. (Was this Zarqawi character so influential to the point that he still haunts the president of the
-“This is only one camp in the Islamist Radical movement” (A shot of a soldier with a severe eye injury. His whole eye area looks like scar tissue). (It is obvious the president is setting them up for another surprise).
-“There is the danger of Shiite extremists. They are just as hostile and determined to dominate the
-Bottom line: “Shiites and Sunnis are the same and they want to kill Americans and kill the democracy in the
-“In 2006 however, they adjusted and struck back. Pierre AlGmayyel, a leading participant in the Arz revolution was assassinated.” “Hizbollah terrorists (12) supported by
-New strategy in
- “I ask for support of the plan and support of the troops on the ground and those on their way” (Shot of a Hispanic man in uniform and his dad). (Naturally…a unanimous ovation)
-“This is the defining struggle of our time”. (Good to know).
-Some more War on terror loose ends: Establishing a war on terror committee, increase the size of the army and use civilian reserves. “
We are not working alone:
-We have a coalition of mercenary irrelevant countries backed up by a worthless UN resolution.
-“Our puppet regimes in Jordan, Saudi Arabia, Egypt and the Gulf nations are working to support our puppet government in Iraq ”.(Seriously, this IS an actual quote).
-“The quartet committee (is working with) diplomacy to bring peace to the holy land and for the establishment of a democratic Palestinian state living side by side with the (Zionist state)”. (“WOW, this is very exciting, he acknowledged the right of a Palestinian state to exist”; That was what I said when he first announced this same exact statement, three years ago.)
+Now, time to cool it down for a little bit, to set up the big Finale:
-Hunger, disease, HIV in
+Our country is so strong and generous. Our people are also simple naïve and love novelty acts and feel-good stories. Dear
-Dikembe Mutombo (WHAT!! Who? What a heck of a trip for the pot heads of
-My second guest tonight is Julie-Aigner Clark: who started children films company in her basement and sold it to Disney for a ton of money. “Julie is a business and social entrepreneur” (See you lazy American bums, everyone can be a millionaire, even though the odds are as improbable as playing Center for the Houston Rockets).
-Next is Wesley Autry: aka The Subway Hero. (He looks like a very simple man; the typical underprivileged black American from
-And of course the last trick in the bag is …? Well you guessed it, the injured soldier who won the silver star medal for his courage in combat in
+End on a high note.
Tune in next week where I will be repeating the same exact crap over the whole next three years.