Review: Clowning the Union

When the self-appointed leader of the free world puts on a 49-minute act for the entertainment of the masses: lies, terrorists, 62-applause breaks and high comedy. A play by play recount.

When his majesty George W. Bush took this same podium a year ago he was enjoying an 80+% approval rating. A year later and his stocks dropped faster than those of his Enron friends, hovering around 30% of the Americans support. On the bright side, he does not read the papers anyway.

-In the typical superficial American fashion President Bush opens by making it sound like it is a big deal that the speaker of the house is a female, neglecting the fact that this is not the sixties anymore where it it necessary to do back flips because women are allowed to vote, and neglecting the fact the countries like Germany, the United Kingdom, India and even African countries have had women as leading their nations. The whole thing is barely worth acknowledging really

-Just wondering if there is anyone in the world who can put on a better poker face than that of Dick Chaney! The rumor of the transplanted monkey heart could be true after all.

+A quick salute to the troops, and let’s get a few things out of the way:
Economy:
-Jobs growth for 40+ straight weeks.
-Balancing the budget without raising taxes (two big standing ovations).
-There is something called “earmarks” that is being passed during the after hours when no one is watching (not even C-Span (his joke not mine)).
-Entitlements: Medicare, Medicaid and Social Security are all going to be gravy.

Education:
-No child left behind improved reading and math for kids especially minorities. (First shot of Laura Bush in a fire-red dress. Obviously Mrs. Bush is a big fan of education).

Healthcare:
-American people have the right to afford going to the doctor. This should be done through private insurers. Tax deductions, federal funds for states which insure their residents, health saving accounts, and protecting doctors against lawsuits are the steps necessary to do that.

Immigration:
-Secure the borders and improve patrolling infrastructure. Establish visiting worker programs so that the “patrols can focus on catching drug smugglers, criminals and terrorists.” (Ladies and gentlemen, our first terrorist appearance. I wonder what took him too long to bring it up. A shot of a clean-shaven Michael Chertoff. (I guess Got to keep them terrorists confused with multiple looks)). “We have to maintain the melting pot identity” accompanied by a shot of Senator Barack Obama (which is a little unnecessary if you ask me)..

Energy:
-We cannot remain dependent on foreign oil that subjects us to dealing with hostile regimes and terrorists (2). Technology: wind nuclear, clean coal, ethanol, wood dust, and cow feces is the way to go (ok, I made the last one up). A plan to reduce gas consumption by 20% over 10 years will reduce the Middle East oil imports by 3/4ths (Chaney joins the standing ovation clapping with a straight face!!).

Justice System:
-Federal courts need more federal judges who should be appointed by the president and the congress (whatever. (Republicans only ovation)).

+Enough warming up the crowd let’s get down to business:
-“Dear America we are at war. We are all going to die. They are after us. They want to kill us all. And we have to kick their asses”. (well, that was not a quote but rather a summary of quotes).

-“It has been five years since we woke up to the scenes of what the terrorists (3) can cause. That horror is just a glimpse of what the terrorists (4) plan unless we stop them).

-“The terrorists (5) life has never been the same since 9/11. (If you ask me, I would say it is much better: they are closer to a more active region (instead of being isolated in central Asia), they have easier access to resources and recruits, they captured the minds of young Arabs and Muslims by using the exact same language Bush uses).

-“Our success is measured by things that did not happen” (Ha? This sentence just sounds wrong).

-“Here is what we know:”
*“We stopped an AlQaeda plot to fly a hijacked plane into the highest building on the west coast”

*“We broke out a southeast Asian terrorist (6) cell (!) grooming operatives for attacks inside the united states”

*“We uncovered an AlQaeda cell developing Anthrax to be used in attack against America”.

*“Last August (finally some dates!) British authorities uncovered a plot to blow up passengers planes bound for America over the Atlantic”

*“Jordanian authorities stopped a cell of two people planning chemical attacks that was supposed to kill 80,000 people, using paint thinner and cooking oil” (Well this one was too over the top even for a liar like George Bush).

-“We owe that to our public servants” (Huge long ovation. (reads: We have to show our voters that we love the troops even though we just listened to a big load of crap).

-Summary of the next 8 minutes: terrorist (7), 9-11, terrorists (8), we are at war, enemy , 9/11, radical vision.

-“Sunni extremists, possessed by hatred, do not like us.“Their goal is the opposite of any principle of civilization”. (Average Joe thinking: “Damn, Not only Muslims but also Sunnis hate us! When did those come into the picture anyway?!”.

-“Listen to this threat from the late terrorist (9) Zarqawi : (We will sacrifice our blood and bodies to put an end to your dream)”. (Was this Zarqawi character so influential to the point that he still haunts the president of the USA even after his death?. Plus, I don’t think Zarqawi meant the dream as in a paid house, a car, and a 9-5 job that barely covers the bills! Zarqawi was referring to the Americans imperialist dream of colonizing the Arab world (which is practically in full effect), and for that…Oh well).

-“This is only one camp in the Islamist Radical movement” (A shot of a soldier with a severe eye injury. His whole eye area looks like scar tissue). (It is obvious the president is setting them up for another surprise).

-“There is the danger of Shiite extremists. They are just as hostile and determined to dominate the Middle East. They take directions from the regime in Iran which is funding an army of terrorists (10) like Hizbollah; a group second only to AlQaeda in the American lives it has taken” (Avergae Joe: Now we have Sunni, Muslims, Shiites and Hizbollah and they are all killing and planning to kill us! Fuck, I thought we were winning this thing!!).

-Bottom line: “Shiites and Sunnis are the same and they want to kill Americans and kill the democracy in the Middle East”. “Ideological Struggle”. “Terrorists (11) fear human freedom”. “We want to help build free societies”. (And a few more generic clichés).

-We had achieved many accomplishments in 2005. “The Cedar revolution is Lebanon drove out Syrian occupation”. (Afghanistan is the new Hong Kong). “Iraqis adopted the most progressive constitution in the Arab world.” (No way! I thought the Jordanian constitution was in first place).
-“In 2006 however, they adjusted and struck back. Pierre AlGmayyel, a leading participant in the Arz revolution was assassinated.” “Hizbollah terrorists (12) supported by Syria and Iran sought conflict in the region”.(what an understatement). (Afghanistan is not Hong Kong anymore). “Iraqi Sunni extremists blew one of the most scared places in Shiite Islam, the Golden Mosque of Samara (with a mournful voice and face full of sorrow he almost shed a tear). It was designed to provoke, and it succeeded”. Sectarian violenc. Death squads…” (On a serious note: this has to be the most naïve and offensive explanation to the Iraqi civil war instigated by the American occupation)

-New strategy in Iraq (Insert broken record).
- “I ask for support of the plan and support of the troops on the ground and those on their way” (Shot of a Hispanic man in uniform and his dad). (Naturally…a unanimous ovation)

-Some more War on terror loose ends: Establishing a war on terror committee, increase the size of the army and use civilian reserves. “
-“This is the defining struggle of our time”. (Good to know).

We are not working alone:
-We have a coalition of mercenary irrelevant countries backed up by a worthless UN resolution.

-“Our puppet regimes in Jordan, Saudi Arabia, Egypt and the Gulf nations are working to support our puppet government in Iraq ”.(Seriously, this IS an actual quote).

-“The quartet committee (is working with) diplomacy to bring peace to the holy land and for the establishment of a democratic Palestinian state living side by side with the (Zionist state)”. (“WOW, this is very exciting, he acknowledged the right of a Palestinian state to exist”; That was what I said when he first announced this same exact statement, three years ago.)

-Afghanistan, Iran, Korea, Belarus, Burma, Darfur. (Whatever)

+Now, time to cool it down for a little bit, to set up the big Finale:
-Hunger, disease, HIV in Africa, Malaria, Poverty.

+Our country is so strong and generous. Our people are also simple naïve and love novelty acts and feel-good stories. Dear America I brought with me some props for your entertainment tonight. Introducing (Drum Roll please) :

-Dikembe Mutombo (WHAT!! Who? What a heck of a trip for the pot heads of America! Dikembe next to Laura Bush!! Forget about asking him to yell “Who want to sex Mutombo” during his standing ovation, but couldn’t they have him at least wiggle the finger when he stands up?! Of course there was NO DOUBT that the president will mispronounce his name during the introduction. Easily the highlight of the day!. On the other hand, Mutombo, at 40, is still a force at the center position. Just look at his numbers in the month of January after the injury to Yao Ming, where he started logging 30+ minutes per game! The second all-time shot blocker is also a monster on the boards). As Mutombo stood up for his ovation there were Asian lady to his right; Her head was literarily at his waist level.

-My second guest tonight is Julie-Aigner Clark: who started children films company in her basement and sold it to Disney for a ton of money. “Julie is a business and social entrepreneur” (See you lazy American bums, everyone can be a millionaire, even though the odds are as improbable as playing Center for the Houston Rockets).

-Next is Wesley Autry: aka The Subway Hero. (He looks like a very simple man; the typical underprivileged black American from New York. His daughter was sleeping on the chair next to him, and I hated to see him do this (or be exploited like this). Then I remembered that this morning and on the first page of a local daily I saw the head of the “Arab Philosophers Society” and a veteran comrade “standing small” between the hands (as they say in Arabic) of some of MUCH less stature than that of Bush, so I thought let the man enjoy his TV time. And he sure did not disappoint. While the Julie whatever lady stood with her fake smile and did not even clap during her own ovation, Mr. Autry was ecstatic: He was waving, blowing kisses with both hands, thanking people and clapping. I did not think anything could upstage the Dikembe cameo for the night, but Autry was unreal. He gave the two thumbs up, pointed at the president and you could read his lips say thank you. He pointed to the president again and whispered “you’re the man”. He then turned sideways and hugged the man in uniform sitting next to him. At this point even Dick Chaney cracked a smile

-And of course the last trick in the bag is …? Well you guessed it, the injured soldier who won the silver star medal for his courage in combat in Iraq.

+End on a high note.
-"Our Union is strong. God Bless."

Tune in next week where I will be repeating the same exact crap over the whole next three years.