Thursday, February 01, 2007

The Mailbag (VI)

A special past-due mailbag dedicated to sports, castration, and internal “ignorance” devices, at a below average articulation level.

First allow me to apologize to those in charge of the following projects: ,, and the late (may it rest in peace), for any trouble they ran into, and for the material that obviously was “not fit to the atmosphere they aim to preserve and promote”. Seriously folks, you do not need to feel ashamed or feel any less than any free-will individual, Abu Shreek completely understands (I am sure Khader understands too), it is just not worth it.

Onto the mailbox, starting with the email of the week:
Sir, I was told about you, and how to get to read you. I was extremely keen to be with you. But when I did, I found myself so confused and lost in every word I read. Can you bless me with your real name and those of your father and mother and tribe, so I can find what Jordanian you are ?May God bless you. Best wishes and kindest regards
Dr. M. A. N., D,Phil. (Full address and Phone Number)

This is easily the e-mail of the year. This is exactly how its unedited version. (The name and the mailing address are the only things edited out).
Either way Sir, I am very glad that you were able to reach me (and be with me), and allow me to apologize for your inability to understand my confusing scribbles. I would like to assure you that it is not your fault that you find this ambiguous (after all you are a D-Phil holder), it is just the inherited nature of the irrelevant issues and the worthless approach of the author.

However Sir, Abu Shreek made a clear disclaimer that he is not responsible for providing takalogues and solution manuals (although they have a chance of being very popular, now that it is obvious that there are some uniformed “intellects” interested in trying to decipher the obvious). Also keep in mind that Abu Shreek target audience is strictly himself and he does not look to cater to the (…) public, even those who hold higher degrees.

On a final note, I really have no problem in providing you with my name and my father’s name (as for the mother name, you have to give me yours first; playground rules), but I am not convinced that it will really help you find “what Jordanian I am”. See, take you for example, even though you proudly provided your family name and all, I did not judge your loyalty to Jordan based on the military coup attempt that your relative lead, nor did I judge your morality based on the performance of your “tribe” member who pioneered homemade porno in Jordan! Thanks for your kind words and god bless.

Do people who comment anonymously also practice a form of self-censorship?
Random commentator.

I know this is a way past-due question on a situation that came up in the last mailbag, and I probably owe you an apology, too. The whole issue of cyber-anonymity is starting to get excessively annoying. Take for example our emailer of the week: he identifies himself by two redundant titles, a full name, a full address, and a phone number! Still, there is no way to tell whether this was sent by the “distinguished persona” himself, or some idiot using his name. Self-identification and self-censorship are personal choices and are natural characteristics of behind-the-screen (pc screen that is) human-interaction, At this point it is obvious there is no such thing as a completely hidden identity (High-tech monitoring will reach you even behind the sun. An investment well worth it), so users make the decision to behave accordingly.

However notice that the relative anonymity of a commentator does not affect the substance in the comment. The point is in the message aside from the messenger. Unless of course, you buy into the notion that ones mother’s birthplace, eyes colors, and Arabic language proficiency are eventually going to dictate his loyalty and patriotism to the homeland he belongs, then you should look elsewhere.

I think you owe Maria Sharapova an apology. In an older mailbag issue you described the phenomenon as being over hyped. Since then she claimed a second Grand Slam title (the US Open) and topp(l)ed the WTA rankings to number 1. If you are jealous of her success and beauty that’s understandable, but let’s not use excuses such as she is too beautiful to be this talented!
Romel Henin-Hardenne ,

Canada/ Kansas

It may look like I may be in an apologetic mood, but this is where the line is drawn. Let us just take a quick look at the overall tennis scene and notice how it is currently more depressing and more meaningless than heavy-weight boxing. Sharapova IS over-hyped, She is not Anna Kournikova-overrated, but she definitely fills in Tennis’ desperate need for a “face of the game” that could generate minor interest among casual fans, despite being an average player (or slightly above average). The fact that she won a couple of grand slams and is currently ahead of a few obscure players in the a random ranking system (a system that is almost as bad as the FIFA world ranking system) does not imply that she is the most dominant player, and the amount of exposure she gets is definitely disproportional to her tennis skills and accomplishments. Let us not confuse a pretty face who can be good at times with a superb athlete [Any time the number one player gets stomped 6-1/6-2 in a grand slam final to an unseeded player (almost unprecedented in women’s tennis) that means two things: 1. The seeding system is a joke. 2. The whole field of players plays at the same mediocre level without any real standouts.

Again, let’s remember that the heydays (80s and 90s) of Tennis are long gone. When I see the domination of Roger Federer (plowing through grand slams and winning the latest Australian open without conceding a single set!!) I cannot tell whether I should celebrate an athlete who is dominating his sport at a historic level or feel bad that this game has deteriorated that much (After all he was playing the final against Fernando Gonzalez!). On the bright side, when was the last time you saw Federer featured in a Canon commercial or appearing at a Hollywood premier?

Who do you like in the game on Sunday?
Every human being who does not live in cave and hence is excited about the Colts playing the Bears in SuperBowl XLI on Feb 4th.

Not only this is the worst conversation starter ever, it is slightly offensive. The answer is: according to Vegas the Colts are favored to win by 7. It is not that the teams are playing a seven-game series where every individual match-up matters, and where coaching adjustments, depth and real skills advantages become factors. It is one game, where a turnover, a tweaked ankle, or a long kick return can change everything. Who knows who is going to be more successful running the ball and controlling the line of scrimmage? Who knows how either quarterback is going to play under game-pressure, and which teams pass rush will able to generate pocket pressure?

Anyway, SuperBowl day is not nearly as exciting as a regular mid-season Sunday. The circus surrounding the game is just ridiculous and the casual fan interest in the game cheapens its status from a clash of athleticism, talent and strategy to an entertainment fest with made-up storylines and endless hype. You know you do not need a two-week break before the Superbowl when you turn on ESPN news and see an interview alert: coming next Colts LB Rocky Boiman (1 start and 15 total tackles on the year). You turn on a morning radio show broadcasting from the location and you find the host going on a 15- minute rant how the toilet in his hotel room won’t flush after he took a big No.2.(money well spent 1310-The Ticket)! The game is going to be dissected to death everywhere (and here is the Dr. Z’s positional comparisons. Here are four things that are worth keeping an eye on :

-Chicago’s defensive ends: They have a 4-deep rotation. Tank Johnson and Isreal Idonije rotate with Alex Brown and Adewale Ogunleye to try to put pressure on Peyton Manning and will battle against an outstanding line anchored by tackles Tarik Glenn and Ryan Diem .Chicago’ secondary is average at best and if Manning has time, the Colts timing- based passing game will be successful. If the Bears decide to drop deep and give the underneath routes, Peyton Manning is very comfortable with going to his running backs and tight ends.

-Indianapolis blitizing Grossman from the middle: The Bears line is solid. Fred Miller and John Tait can neutralize undersized ends Dwight Freeney and Robert Mathis. However the line and Rex Grossman has problems with inside stunts and blitzes that causes Grossman to panic and commit mistakes. Stopping the run is of course the Colts priority but they still want to stop Grossman from getting into a passing rhythm like the one he reached midway in the Saints game.

-Chicago’s Linebackers: With the loss of DT Tommie Harris the solid linebackers group has to work harder to stop the Colts impressive running game. They also has to pay attention in coverage to the tight ends unless Chicago tries to use their nickel back (Ricky Manning jr.), but that will mean solid Hunter Hillenmeyer may have to get off the field.

-Indianapolis secondary against the big play: The Bears thrive on the big passing plays down the field. Brian Berrian, AFL ex-player Rashied Davis and even Mark Bradely are deep threats that can scare the Colts undersized and average-speed secondary. Rex Grossman can through a nice deep ball when he is comfortable and Nick Harper, Jason David and Marlin Jackson have to pay attention especially when the blitz does not get to the quarterback on time.

Do not forget to sign the petition for a national holiday on SuperBowl Monday.

Men ? okay. More elaboration on the question. How can a woman understand a man? or a girl understand a guy? How can she tell if he feels anything for her or if he is just being nice? Is there a magical look? Is there anybody that can like someone from one time? What do men want? And I am speaking as in a real relationship?

Two Words: Big Boobs

If everything is fine and dandy and on its way to perfection and ever after prosperity, what is the reason for freaking out over constructive criticism and questioning. I mean if your roommate is complaining: “There seems like there is a rat in your closet”. “It feels like a rate and smells like a rat”. “what’s in your closet? is that a rat?”….would you kick your roommate out of the house or would you check the closet for your own sake and to prove to him that the closet is rat-free?
Abdullah Ibin Il Moqqaffa’
Min gabro (hanging from his testicles)

Once upon a starless midnight there was an owl who sat on the branch of an oak tree. Two ground moles tried to slip quietly by, unnoticed. "You!" said the owl. "Who?" they quavered, in fear and astonishment, for they could not believe it was possible for anyone to see them in that thick darkness. "You two!" said the owl. The moles hurried away and told the other creatures of the field and forest that the owl was the greatest and wisest of all animals because he could see in the dark and because he could answer any question. "I’ll see about that, "said a secretary bird, and he called on the owl one night when it was again very dark."How many claws am I holding up?" said the secretary bird. "Two," said the owl, and that was right."Can you give me another expression for ‘that is to say’ or ‘namely’?" asked the secretary bird. "To wit," said the owl. "Why does the lover call on his love?" "To woo," said the owl.

The secretary bird hastened back to the other creatures and reported that the owl indeed was the greatest and wisest animal in the world because he could see in the dark and because he could answer any question. "Can he see in the daytime, too?" asked a red fox? "Yes," answered a dormouse and a French poodle. "Can he see in the daytime, too?" All the other creatures laughed loudly at this silly question, and they set upon the red fox and his friends and drove them out of the region. They sent a messenger to the owl and asked him to be their leader.

When the owl appeared among the animals it was high noon and the sun was shining brightly. He walked very slowly, which gave him an appearance of great dignity, and he peered about him with large, staring eyes, which gave him an air of tremendous importance. "He’s God!" screamed a Plymouth rock hen. And the others took up the cry "He’s God!" So they followed him wherever he went and when he bumped into things they began to bump into things, too. Finally he came to a concrete highway and he started up the middle of it and all the other creatures followed him. Presently a hawk, who was acting as outrider, observed a truck coming toward them at fifty miles an hour, and he reported to the secretary bird and the secretary bird reported to the owl. "There’s danger ahead," said the secretary bird. "To wit?" said the owl. The secretary bird told him. "Aren’t you afraid?" he asked. "Who?" said the owl calmly, for he could not see the truck. "He’s God!" cried all the creatures again, and they were still crying "He’s God" when the truck hit them and ran them down. Some of the animals were merely injured, but most of them, including the owl, were killed.
Moral: (edited out).
From: James Thurber, Fables for Our Time and Famous Poems Illustrated (New York, 1940)
Coming Soon: “The insecure boyfriend syndrome”.

Enough with the negativity please. People like you who do nothing but complain, while pushing sticks in the progress wheel and belittling the accomplishments are the reason why we are slow in achieving the goals and enjoying the results. People like you are the ones who questions our status as a major power-player in the region, our serious quest for acquiring nuclear energy (for peaceful purposes of course) , and refuses but to ignore the booming economy.
Delusion-Ali ,
Listening to: Hashmi Hashmi (The version with “Abu” edited out)

A complete analysis of the Jordanian current insignificance on the regional stage may better be left off to experts. I mean, could it get any lower than some local officials expressing their displeasure with some of “our friends” in the mercenary Iraqi government announcing that “Amman is the economic capital of Iraq!”, or do we have to get down to discussing our status among the equally-pathetic Arab farms, where we still appear like an entity that struggles to provide the basic needs for its people, survives on charity, and a state that does not have a clear or firm standing on any issue whatsoever. (On the bright side we are being consistent in being inconsistent. I still cannot figure out if we were with Saddam (support during the war) or against him (the crime of hosting Hussein Kamel).

On the other hand, and in celebration of his majesty’s latest birthday, there was a “forum” in Maan, discussing the main “accomplishments” of the district in the past few years. The accomplishments in discussion are: The tenth governmental university (at a time when the long-established ones has slipped to the community college level), a hospital and a health center (with health insurance to the extremely-poor groups that covers more than 4500 residents), a potential Railroad, and an industrial zone (not too many details given here, since there was a point in time when industrial zones where being promised left and right). If I were the in charge “authority devices” I will issue warrants for the arrest of the organizers and participants of this event, and charge them with “tongue elongation against his majesty”.

Have you really completely given up on the NBA? Come on, it still features some of the best athletes in the world, and is still a superior version of basketball to that played anywhere else. I understand that you kind of replaced soccer with football, but don’t tell me that you’ve replaced the NBA with those steroid injecting, meth-popping baseball freaks?
One of the last 17 remaining NBA fans.

The one word answer to your question is: No. I am still an NBA fan despite all the maddening changes to the game that killed fundamental basketball. I am still willing to watch the games and put up with guards palming the ball, players who don’t care trotting on the field and cruising at 50%, and enjoy a buzzer-beater while reminiscing on the days when an NBA game was fun to watch from start to finish.
All what happened is I ran a little experiment: Given the fact that ones interests continue to evolve and since I am considering some new hobbies (like hiking through Europe for example (especially dinning at Paris)), I made a conscious effort to avoid watching a full game until Christmas day (known as the official start of the NBA season). I got my NBA fix through highlights, box scores, and occasional quarters here and there. By December, I realized that honestly I have not been missing out on much! And I extended the experiment until the week before the All-Star game (Feb 17th).

There are many things I like about this year: (the Suns, the Jazz, the return of point guards who can pass, the gradual return of big men who plays with their back to the basket, the increased scoring, Dikembe Mutombo, rookie Andris Biedrins,…). And many other things I don’t like (The Celtics situation, the Atlantic division in the East being under 500, the all-star fan-voting, Atlanta-Charlotte-New Orleans franchises, Shaq, Gilbert Arenas starting to get really loud (although he had a great first half), the diluted rosters, Jason Kidd stuck with nets,… ).

Programming Notice: -The rest of the All-Star teams comes out tonight.

Do you think Globalization is adding limits and walls between nations and cultures or breaking them down?

Ya Salamm! Are you being serious?! Whats next? A questions about the effect of the Chinese devaluing their currency on their chances of joining the world trade organization or the effect of global warming on the Somalia-Ethiopia conflict? How about the problems in the third-world countries surfacing as a result of bypassing the necessary industrialization stage and indulging in service-oriented investments instead!
Please keep in mind that Abu Shreek is very cautious about red lines that he cannot cross and always focuses on issues that he deems fit, suitable and completely insignificant.

Unfortunately, you are under a two-month (renewable) ban for violating the mailbag submissions guidelines, and for attempting to jeopardize our relationship with influential figures and states. This will naturally deny you the chance to win the valuable “e-mail of the week” prizes.
Everyone else, you are welcome to submit your questions at:


Reckless said...

Waal, yam, 2 month ban? Ma beseer!

Wein bagadem il isti2naff la tanzeel hathehi al moddah al taweelah jeddan? Ala yakfi anahu yajebo 3alay an antathira ayaman 3adeedah fi masaqen akhara fi hatheh il 7ayah al khara2eyah?

romel said...

I find the sport analysis on your blog to be heavily driven by stats – a traditional north american school- leaving out the human element of the game.

Abu Shreek said...

Your appeal was received and will be considered. Right now your chances do not look too promising, but on the bright side, remember that our editors are easily bribed (wink).

Thanks for the compliment. Sports is about stats first and the human element is complimentary (although I am confident that I pay attention to it when it’s appropriate and necessary, since the human element is what make sports what it is. Other wise we can just watch simulated games on game consoles). However, do not expect a focus on Sharapova’s life story and her sex-appeal (she needs a boob job by the way) in favor of the fact that she is an average tennis player. And yeah, just to infuse more human element into the comment, not only she lost 6-2/6-1 to an unseeded player, she got destroyed by an out-of-shape unseeded player who does not give a crap about tennis.

Abdullah said...

HAHAHA the Dr. that sent u the e-mail is really the way i feel really smart because i analysed his initials and the part were u say "military coup attempt". first of all his relative didnt attempt any coup he didnt spend a day in prison, he has nothing to do with the F.O.M., he only helped in the play woven to get money from the Eisenhower doctrine, so that the coup would appear a communist take-over. As for the guy who is talking about your negativity and all that crap, hehe i swear his kind are funny, its as if, we stick with them and be optimistic about their policies in five years we will unite all the arabs and liberate palestine..I swear their funny not that i want these things to be done because we know the answer of loyalists automaticaly, but they try to make our opposition sound like a (ma6ab) in the way of our country becoming a super power, our insignificant rating of policies is changing our future and "If only, If only we stood with their policies everything will be good and every Jordanian would be rich",everything is flowery only in the mind of ignorant, goverment media consumers.

Anonymous said...

The Oxfordshire dweller, Sherif Lupo lookalike writes very apologitic articles in Al rai nowadays. I thought that the the home made porno movie of the Tegool Ahwaak was a myth. However Sameer and his partner Hanna (Full name voiced by Sameer Ben Dover!) were for reall in pseudo conservative Amman. Very smart journal Abu Shreek, very articulate and thorough in your discussion. Can you minimise the abuse to less fortunate commentors. Were really in those demonstration!! Did you sign the leftists students first petition to make the limit of years spent in uni 8 years instead of 7? Hilarious

7aki Fadi said...


It's so true, and anybody who would tell the lady who posted the question otherwise would be a liar, unless they say a big Ass. Because you are either and ass man or a boob man

Seriously, why are men and women infatuated in understanding each other...who caaaaares? Maybe you should answer that in your next mailbag.

Anonymous said...

رئيسية الموقع :
مصر اليوم
اخر مواضيع منتديات مصر اليوم :
ترددات قنوات النايل سات الجديدة
اسعار السيارات فى مصر 2012 بالصور

اسعار السيارات فى مصر 2012

مشاركة ارباح ادسنس

اهلا بكم , اضع لكم موقعى لتتطلعوا عليه

منتديات مصر اليوم هى منتديات عامة تهتم بالكثير من الاشياء المصرية . منتديات مصر اليوم هى منتديات عربية عموما مصرية خصوصا و هى منتديات عامة تهتم بكل ما يهتم به الشباب المصرى من الحوار او النقاش او اخر الاخبار او جديد الصور و الاغانى و الالبومات و الكليبات و الافلام و النكت و الفيديوهات و الموبايلات و تحتوى على اقسام مميزة مثل قسم اللغة الانجليزية و قسم اصحاب المواقع و المنتديات و قسم البرامج و القسم الاسلامى و قسم المرأة و قسم الرومانسية و الرياضة المصرية و الكثير ....
شاهد اقسام المنتدى :
اخبار مصر صور نكت مصرية اغانى قنوات و ترددات اخبار الرياضة المصرية مشاهدة مباريات بث مباشر اسعار السيارات