The Mailbag (III)

Have you seen George Galloway demolishing Sky News during the Lebanese crisis? The guy really let them have it. Seriously Man, you have to check it out.
Enno Vative, Mars

No way, I must have missed it. Why don’t you go ahead and email it to me, along with the series of pictures of the dying Lebanese mother, the dancing on the treadmills video, the Queen Rania on Oprah interview and a couple of Hajjaj Cartoons? In the meantime, I will be heating up a couple of 10" nails to simultaneously stick them in my eye balls.

(Via video e-mail). Death to America. Mohammad, Jihad. America will pay for its crimes against Muslims in Panama and Congo. Death to the infidels…( pointing and wiggling the index finger). We are planning more attacks. سمي بالله و اذبح. ♪Who’s the man…We’s the man ♪ Say…who’s the man… ♪ (both bouncing in a rhythmic Electric slide). You can’t touch me…(brushing dirt off the shoulders).
Benni and the Zee-man,
Super Cave, Afghani-Paki border.

Alright Champs, we get it. You are great. Actually you are kicking some serious ass in the “war on terrorism”. Didn’t I make it clear earlier, that on behalf of the masses I represent (i.e. nobody) we agreed on: You won. Heck folks, “Americans cannot take hair gel on planes anymore”, and for some reason, they want to kick the Mexicans out. Jews are being boarded off planes because they look Arab. What more proof do you want that you won? CAN YOU PLEASE GO AWAY NOW.

And by the way, you will not be able to convince me that you cave-dwellers are able to execute such a complex operation, despite all the demonstrations of the “highly-sophisticated” operation-planning shown in your latest videos. Isn’t the natural progression of a human being supposed to go something like this: First, the discovery of the pants, the discovery of the shoes, the discovery of the razor, the tooth brush and the soap, and THENNN the ability to plan the crashing of huge airplanes into skyscrapers with pinpoint accuracy?!
Conspiracy theories and other “loose change” aside, there is a real good chance that you are on a Caribbean island, with Elvis, 2 Pac, and the REAL Saddam, sipping margaritas, passing blunts, and releasing new videos.
(P.S. Stop sending Elvis back to the mainland, he is freaking people out.)

Enough already with the sports crap. You know that NOBODY reads that nonsense, right? NOBODY cares. Get a girlfriend, join a gym, read a book. Get a life.
Many Many readers, All over the World

Based on the popularity and the continuous support my sports analysis receives, here is a quick thought on Basketball, and I promise an upcoming Baseball playoffs preview, an NFL quarterly report, and continuous Golf updates.

The best thing to come out of the modest FIBA World Championship was the decision to boycott the NBA for an undisclosed period. I contemplated this decision after USA Basketball lost to Puerto Rico in Athens 2004 (by 19). But I bought into the lame excuses that the team had needed more chemistry, the world had caught up to the Americans, they were taken by surprise, etc. This American team (And if I ever hear anyone refer to any past or upcoming trash as the “Dream Team” I will instantly punch him/her in the face. There is only one “Dream Team”, and that was the one I stayed up until 3 in the morning to watch its highlights, against Angola), the 2006 team demonstrated everything that is wrong with the game of basketball today.

Consider the following stretch in the loss to Greece (zero NBA players) in the Semis: Dwight Howard of the Orlando Magic and one of the four remaining true centers in the world (along with Pau Gasol of Spain and Yao Ming of China), is busting his ass on every play, cleaning Bron Bron, Wade and Melo’s garbage on the offensive glass after each fade away brick, getting put backs, blocks, and just dominating the middle. He blocks a shot, recovers the ball, hands it to his PG (Kirk Heinrich) and sprints down the court to post up, backing up his defender way down low.(Text book). Hinrich stares at him (with a clear pass path to his raised hand), and takes a few bouncing dribbles (ridiculous). So Howard leaves his low position, sets a high screen for the idiot PG who is instantly attacked by the switching defender, Howard rolls to the basket. No pass. Instead Hinrich finds Wade in the corner. Howard again backs down his defender, with a clear raised-hand target in front of Wade. Wade completely ignores him, takes two dribbles to his left, gets cornered between the baseline and a charging defender and takes a long fade away jump shot. Airball. Welcome to today’s NBA.

I do not care that international Basketball is a “different style” or that the (allegedly) best players in the world could not defend the pick and roll (the main excuse given for losing to Greece!!). You want to act like you are the best in the world, you have to put the ball in the basket. Make free throws, play defense, beat Greece (who by the way, Greece ended up losing to Spain in the Final by 30+, despite the fact that Spain played without their superstar Gasol who was carrying the team throughout the tournament).

The quality of the basketball in the NBA has been in constant deterioration over the past few years. NBA players do not play defense, they commit traveling violations on every play (almost omitted from the rule book), they palm the ball, atrocious shooting percentages: the open mid range jumpers (let alone the open three pointers) are not guaranteed baskets anymore, the super stars are protected against the slightest contact, and there are absolutely no fundamentals that make the game more enjoyable. (Most teams are not able to execute a basic fast break anymore) .The fact that you can pick up a quarter from the top of the backboard does not mean you can play basketball (The Vince Carter Syndrome). And hence, this is not the same game I enjoyed watching back when it was (NBA- action, its Faaaaaaaaantastic). My childhood heroes of the early and mid nineties did not play THIS game. This is street ball and if I were interested in such crap, I will buy the AND1 mixed tape, which is to basketball what masturbation is to sex. David Stern may have managed to sell a few jerseys in China and market the “product”, by making it a one-and-one game between two (supposedly) superstars, but he alienated the true fans of the “game”.

The saddest part is that the disease is spreading to all other basketball venues. One cannot go to the gym and play a decent pick-up game anymore. There is always that punk who keeps dribbling the ball until everybody falls asleep: other players are cutting, slashing posting, screening, and he is palming the ball and slide stepping (traveling) from left to right, before launching an “NBA three” (reads: a fade away half court shot that barely touches the rim). Basketball used to be a physical and tough team game. A steal, a rebound, a nice assist pass, (not a behind the back no look brick that ends up third row of the stands, but a straight chest pass to an open guy), always trumped a slam dunk.

I also cannot remember when did homosexuality become a prerequisite for playing basketball in Jordan? You find some 6-foot 120 lbs broomstick teenager who attends a couple of practices with an U-16 team, and he is getting into character before he even learns to dribble properly: The lowered baggy shorts showing the Tweety boxers, the cutoff shirts, a complete assortment of arm, wrist and elbow bands. The burning ball tattoo on the shoulder and a mid 80’s earring are extras. It even gets worse with those fruity “veterans”, who think that since they dropped a career high 20 points on another local fruitcake in that all important 3^rd place deciding game, they are superstar athletes (The Ashraff Samara syndrome: I remember when Syrian legend Anwar Abdul Haii used to make him cry and when Hamdi the ball boy used to give him free throe shooting tips).

In other Jordanian basketball news, the national team point guard Sam Daghlas was invited and DID participate in the mini camp and the Vegas summer league of the Sacramento Kings. These are prep games for the NBA sophomores and rookies, and sometimes veterans like Ron Artest takes part in. (And yes I mentioned Artest just to link to this. It never gets old). Fadi Al Khateeb (LEB) and Yassine Ismail (QAT) were two other Arabs to get such invitations to these leagues in recent years, but none of them were offered a contract.

Is it OK that I am getting confused by this math problem, or am I too stupid?
S.W. Hawking, Cambridge
Theorem: 3=4
Proof:
Suppose:
a + b = c
This can also be written as:
4a - 3a + 4b - 3b = 4c - 3c
After reorganizing:
4a + 4b - 4c = 3a + 3b - 3c
Take the constants out of the brackets:
4 * (a+b-c) = 3 * (a+b-c)
Remove the same term left and right:
4 = 3

I will not be passing any judgments regarding your IQ level before I examine your complete body of work. This is a popular trick that has been around for a while. There is a quit interesting philosophical dimension to it though: Take for example Jordanian politics. As long as the common denominator is invalid, it does not matter how many correct operations you manage to carry out on the surface. The answer is always going to be 3=4, unless you reform the base. (And to avoid any ambiguity by the base I mean the Elephant).

What is the maximum number of cigarettes per day a human being would be capable of smoking over an extended period of time? I have been smoking three Rothmans packs (or Top Twenty) for the past 20 years, and sometimes I feel like I can do better.
I can quit any time I want, no really.

Another Math question?! How long before people start emailing partial differential equations of the second kind?
Anyway, If we allow 8 hours for sleeping, eating and any other activity that will not allow for concurrent smoking, and considering that the average per cigarette smoking time is about 9 minutes, we conclude that you are smoking for 9 out of the 16 hours you are awake. You have been alternating between smoking for 9 minutes and breathing for 7, for the past 20 years. Aside from all the talk (you may choose to call them rumors) about cancer, heart attacks, strokes, ulcers, and aside from the “freedom of making choices”, you are not allowing enough time for adequate Oxygen intake. Not to go public health announcement on you, and I understand that you may present the argument that cigarettes are as addictive and harmful as French Fries or chocolate (Ha?!), but seriously now, when the act of breathing is being compromised, maybe a change is due.

I have graduated a few years ago, and been working for over 4 years now. I am in (my) mid 20's. This year has been the toughest so far. I feel as if I am living (on) my own. "Best friends" do not sound as a right phrase to use, as everyone seems to be totally involved with their own lives. The saying friend in need is friend in deed is not valid anymore. You cannot simply jump at their step and spill out all your thoughts without being judged anymore. I know this is a minor issue, but in away it affect my life, deeply. Any suggestions?
Yasmeen H. Ysameen.

Okay, considering this and the only other legitimate candidate for the email of the month award, one would think that I accidentally hacked into the mailbox of Dr. Phil or the absurdly annoying Dr. Najwa of JRTV.
For technical reasons, Yasmeen you are the winner of the award. Please choose between the cash reward and spinning the wheel for one of our valuable prizes.

Now as our society continue to absorb every bad habit of the western lifestyle (consumerism, opportunism, materialism, and the complications associated with them), while completely ignoring any good values that comes with it (hard work, dedication, productivity, charity, and law-abiding), some of our social traditions are going to be affected as well, and that includes friendship. Friendships start to take the form of “mutual and common interests”: Not in the sense of hypocrisy or lack of genuine feelings, but in the sense that circumstances may not allow for the traditional life-long friendships.

-After high school you may be successful in “carrying over” a few friends whom you grew up with: Someone who is attending the same college, someone who happens to live in your neighborhood so you still keep in touch after graduation, or someone who was too special, so you made the effort to contact him/her often to maintain that special relationship, despite both of your different college schedules.

-The losses in high school friends,( a lot of them were simply “classmates” to begin with), can be easily made up for in college. First, you will have a lot of circumstantial “acquaintances” that fade away by the end of certain “periods”: Think about that stranger who was in all of your freshman classes, you automatically became friends, at least for that semester. Once he/she changes majors you probably never heard from them again. The college environment demands “collective efforts” socially and academically. Copying homework, praying, smoking in Ramadan, chilling in the square are all activities of common interest that build periodical friendships. More importantly, the diverse environment allows you to be more selective with the real friends. Strong connections based on compatibility that extends over the whole college career, while enjoying memorable, real growing up experiences. These are the hardest to compensate for, but unfortunately are also the easiest to lose.

-In the daily grind of the real world, there is very little time for real social interaction. Brief compliments, casual repetitive conversations, routine dull exchange of visits, and practically “going through the motions” of supposed “friendships” as a part of the daily cycle.
The college friends? Unfortunately they are not the same people you once knew. The comrades are going through religious awakenings, the religious ones are subcontracting caterers for the American army, the rebels are domesticated at home with a wife and two kids, and the Coaster-commuting partners are rolling in their own Hummers.
(Okay, get off the tangent NOW).
Seriously, two things happen to the college friends, they get married (an automatic two year discontinuation of communications followed by two more upon the birth of the first child), and their careers will disperse them all over the world. (A group of 8 very close friends are currently spread over: U.S., Sweden, Jordan (2), Saudi Arabia, Qatar, UAE, and Kazakhstan. Some of them have not seen each other since graduation. On the bright side they exchange a few emails every 3 months).

So, if you are currently in touch with a couple of people whom you can relatively relate to, engage in a legitimate conversation with, and you could count on them to "come through" in the case of an easy to mild “situations”, consider yourself lucky. If you do not, it is normal and you should not be alarmed; you can pick up a hobby until you get married, and then there is a slight chance that your spouse will be your new best friend. (Yeah right).
(Reason 432 to never email, read or acknowledge Abu Shreek: 650 words to utter the gems “get a hobby or get married”. Truly insightful.)

For more such brutally necessary insight, check the older mailbags: Mailbag (I) .Mailbag (II).
Or send your questions to abushreek_jor@yahoo.com.